The call that we have been waiting for came today at 11:15. We were informed that we were not selected to adopt this little boy. I had to go to work at 12:00 which was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do- crawl into bed and be sad. (I would say cry but those who know me, know that I cry about twice a year.) So I went to work, made it through, and came home to inform the kids. Tim broke it to them in a "family meeting". Emily was very matter-of-fact. Yes, she is bummed, but she always knew it was a possibility that we would not get him. Matthew was more concerned about how I was feeling and later confided that he is more nervous about the fostering than the adopting because adopting is forever and we may have to give foster children back. Abigail sobbed in my lap. She had her heart set on getting him. I knew she would be the broken-hearted one. This has been a rough school year for Miss Abby. Sophia was her typical happy-go-lucky self. "That's soooo sad! (pause) So what's for dinner?"
How do I feel about it? I had a really good feeling for a week but in the last couple of days, I have had a feeling it wouldn't be us. I don't know if I was just preparing for the worst but this morning taking the kids to school, I was even thinking, "I kind of hope they don't call b/c as long as they don't call, there is some hope." Don't get me wrong, I am sad. But I have a peace about it. We did all we could do and did it the best we could. There were so many times when it was clear that God was involved. Time after time and connection after connection that He showed us his presence. When we had Samantha, I thought that if I prayed enough and long enough and hard enough, that God would allow her to live because to do otherwise would be evidence that prayer didn't work and that He didn't love us. I learned a hard but important lesson when Samantha died. I was putting my faith in my faith and not putting my faith in God. God is perfect; I am not. God's plan is perfect; mine is not. God knows what is best for me and my family; I don't. Most importantly, God loves me. He loves me with a love that extends beyond anything that happens in this life- good or bad. My job on this earth is to glorify Him however He sees fit. I have prayed that God's Will will be done and that He will be glorified however this plays out. I am, in a way, grieving this little boy who I had already planned our future with and who I was prepared to love (and already did on a certain level) for the rest of his life. Now, I pray that he is going to a home that will love him and cherish him and show him the love that God has for him.
For us... I don't know what is in store for us, but I am sure it will be awesome.
